Get It? Got It? Good.

Some people really need to learn their manners.  I have been the recipient of several very strange messages, some funny, some weird, some lame, many just downright inappropriate, and all most likely meant to be kept secret.

We've all heard of the online dating requests for threesome participation, and, not gonna lie, I'm a little disappointed that I have yet to receive such a message!  I'm a little relieved, too, but that's besides the point...  Anyway let's go down the list, shall we?  I've due through the archives, and here are some winners =)

• Annoying Fan: For those of you who aren't aware, I used to have a somewhat high-profile job in DC, wherein I still get "recognized" as having been in that position every once in awhile.  I had received a couple of borderline inappropriate messages from one guy, that I deleted (I know, I know... rookie mistake on my part, since I no longer have that dialogue).  Anyway, I deleted the messages with the intention of never replying again once he asked me what my butt looks like in the shorts I'm wearing in one of my pictures.  He then also asked me if I was, indeed, who he thought I was.  Dammit.  I felt I had to be polite and reply, so.. I did.  He eventually messaged me with this gem: "so [sic] if i may ask, around how many dates until you sleep with a guy?" to which I replied, "Nope."  I think he got the message after that.
• Cheesy Guy:
• Me: Sounds gouda
• CG: Gouda? That was cheesy.
• Me: I can get pretty Krafty sometimes
• CG: Are you trying to say you're butter and on a roll with your puns?
• Me: I can't help it; I was bread this way
• [crickets]
• I've also been messaged by the same girl a couple of times.  Not entirely sure how she found me as my profile is clearly WfM, but she did try to hook it up both times.  I declined.
• Fruity Guy: "Do you like pineapples?"  I wanted to reply back that I do, but am allergic, but I was afraid that he'd take it the wrong way.  Incidentally, that's the truth.
• Prince UnCharming: "What are you looking for on here?  PS: None of the looking for Prince Charming bullcrap."  Damn. That's exactly why I'm on OKC.
• Awkward Guy: Background~ I have something in my profile that mentions that I'm looking for fun times, and hoping for some good stories... this was apparently in response to that: "I was carrying groceries in both hands (two trips are for losers), and I had my security badge in my hoodie pocket, which happens to be near my crotch.  I tried to swipe the sensor with my badge without putting the groceries down, but the sensor is a little too high, so it ends up just looking like I'm thrusting my crotch at the door. A girl comes up as it looks like I'm humping the door and says "uhhhh, buy it dinner first"
• This was too good not to reply to.  Especially since he used (mostly) good grammar throughout that story.
• Insecure Douche: We went back and forth texting a couple of times, then he deleted my number I guess.  He messaged me on the website out of the blue with this little piece of awesome: "You should give me your number.  I remember liking you."  I REMEMBER LIKING YOU.  Wow.  Okay, cool dude.  You're a MAN.
• Random Guy: "TGIF!" over and over again.  As in each and every Friday for weeks now.  I have yet to reply.
• Confusing Guy: He simply wrote "Hey gn"  I have no idea what that means.  Anyone care to shed some light on this?
• Probably Meant Something Else Guy: "I want to be you in Mariokart before you leave."  I've never been told by a guy that he wants to be me.  Quite the compliment, I'd say.
• My Roommate: "Sup slut, let's make out."  ...Yep.  He found me.
• Hip Hop History Guy: He gave me the progeny of T Pain's name:
• Growing up, he had a lot of hip hop influences, mainly Fifty Cent and Common.  Both were more than instrumental in modling his rap game.  He tried relentlessly to figure out how to pay homage to these inspirations, and finally decided to memorialize the impact they had made on his life by incorporating them into his rap pseudonym.  T.Pain is derived from Thomas Payne, whose most famous book written during the American Revolution was called Common Sense.  This book had always been a favorite of T. Pain's, and it perfectly attributed COMMON and fifty CENT in his own hip hop identity.
• I have no clue if this is true or not.  I sincerely hope that it is
• Can't Take a Hint Guy: This actually came as a text from somebody that I had gone on a date with. I believe I referred to him as The Child, or perhaps the Clinger.  Either way, I was quite unprepared to receive this proposal a couple of weeks after I had told him that I wasn't interested: "Hey Alix [yes, he wrote my name with an "i"].  You want to try something physical? NSA." Ummm... How about NO?
• 50 Shades Guy: Verbatim, this is what he wrote me:
• "Women hate having to read between the lines on messages from guys on okcupid so I'll just going to be upfront [sic].  With that said... I don't want sex.  But I am looking for a Dom/sub relationship."
• Seriously WTF dude.  kthxbai
• Negging Guy (if you don't know what "negging" is, check out this guest strip on Questionable Content:
• "Your last picture makes it look like you have downs. I'd get rid of that one. I guess it doesn't really matter though because you are beautiful. Just trying to help you out, one beautiful person to another."
• Please note: the above message was sent to me as I was typing up this blog entry.  Somebody up there has jokes.

Of course, there are also the many canned messages that guys send out, too.  C'mon guys, at least PRETEND that you've read through my profile.  I'm not going to reply to a message that simply reads, "Hi names [redacted]" So dumb.

There's also this lovely guy who clearly doesn't understand that people on online dating sites will look at your profile and not necessarily message you back:

Disclaimer: I'm not a nice person sometimes.

Grow a Pair Guy: hello, do you think we can hang out and get to know each other?
Me: [checked out his profile but didn't reply to the message]
GaP: Why are you not answering me?  Give me just one reason, I don't really get it.
If someone asks you something face2face, would you just walk away and not answer him?
Me: Do you generally just go up to people and ask to hang out without any pretense?  And if you do, and they don't react how you wanted them to, do you get offended?
GaP: No I don't
I would really respect if they say something like ' sorry or I'm not interested'
Any kind of reply not just to ignore [okay, maybe he has a point, but I was having a bad day and felt like running my mouth]
Me: Look dude, I'm at work right now and don't really have the time to justify my inaction. However, for your benefit, let's go through this. As I am at work, occasionally I'll sign in to read a message with the intent to reply later when I'm better prepared, and have the time to dedicate, for a conversation. However, your passive-aggression has made me less inclined to continue this discussion any further.
A word of advice: try to engage the people you message with some sort of connection you've made between yourself and their profiles. Make yourself stand out from all the other people who just message randomly.
Oh, and one last thing: this is online dating. Not everybody is going to respond to your messages. My advice is for you to grow a thicker skin and not check up on every girl you message asking why she didn't respond, because it'll probably end up like this. That or she'll spare you and just ignore the messages.
Good luck going forward. Have a great day!




Yeah, he got the message.





Apologies if not all of the above messages were up to snuff for you.  I probably could have been a little more discerning about what I did and did not share.  But whatever.  It's my blog and I do what I want! :)

-A

Well, It's Happened...

I broke my Cardinal Rule.

I allowed myself to kiss and be kissed on the first date.  And guess what, dear reader(s)?  It came back to bite me in the butt.

I believe I may have mentioned this in a previous post, so forgive my potential redundancy.  I have rules, guys.  Rules to help keep me from getting too attached, from over-thinking, from emotions.

I broke one of my rules.  And it's not the "No Facebooking" rule, because that could be easily managed ("Oops, I must have misspelled my last name."  "Oh, I didn't realize that was you, Tonsil Hockey!" "I don't really use Facebook all that often."  "My pet panda must have gone through my Friends List and deleted everybody AGAIN."  The excuses for not accepting someone's FB invite are limitless if you're creative enough.)

No, it wasn't that rule.  Couldn't have been the one I broke.  It was the No Kissin' on the First Date Rule.

I know myself, you guys.  I. Get. Attached.  And easily, to boot.  Part of this experiment has become a mission in decidedly NOT getting attached to anybody, especially the closer I get to The Big Move.  So, believe me when I say that this is the Number One Unbreakable Rule.

Naturally, I couldn't help myself after a couple of beers and a Really Cute Guy.  Let's call him... Skirt Man (details to come later.  Promise).

Skirt Man is another of the OKC victims dates.  He lives up in Annapolis, which made meeting up somewhat difficult, but after a few weeks(!) of texting back and forth, lo and behold, somebody had a work meeting in Old Town!  I already had dinner plans with family that night, so we decided to meet up for some Happy Hour adult beverages close to my house.  He was quite the gentleman, and I found myself having a great time.  Excellent conversation (primed by the aforementioned weeks of texting) was combined with a physical attraction and probably more beers than recommended for this kind of occasion.  He walked me back to my house- I told you he was a gentleman- and came inside for a few minutes, since someone had left the front door open (no intruders- yes!).  And he kissed me.  And I kissed back.  It was great, and probably a really good thing that I had Family Dinner that night, since he was very forward with his intentions, both vocally that night and via text over the next fortnight.

Okay, so Fast Forward a couple of weeks to the next opportunity we have to get together.  I was up in Baltimore to have dinner with one of my very best friends and his parents, so Skirt Man and I met up for a couple of beers.  Oh, right.  The skirt.  He texted me a picture of a skirt he'd bought and he was really excited about wearing it.  Did I mention he was actually wearing the skirt in question in said picture?  Maybe I did dodge a bullet here... ha  Turns out it's a kayaking "skirt," made of some material that allows for him to do barrel rolls or some other craziness without having water get in the craft.  Who knows?!  ANYway... so we met up at a bar, got a couple of beers and chatted for awhile.  Then we went to an art museum since I still had some time before meeting up with my friend.  Hand-holding commenced, which was pretty cute (at least I thought so!).  The time came for me to see my friend, so I drove him back to his car.  We got there, and before getting out of the car, he looks me in the eyes, leans in and...








hugs me.







Seriously, dude?  You knew my rule (yes, I disclosed the rule prior to the kiss), broke my rule, and then nada??  Talk about some poor manners.

I think I covered my initial shock well, but over the next couple of days, I found myself getting more and more irked by what went down, or rather what didn't go down.  I texted Skirt Man later that week, and was informed that he didn't want to start anything with me leaving so soon.  SO THEN WHY ASK ME OUT AGAIN??  Needless to say, I haven't contacted him since.

Ugh.  Boys.

This is Becoming a Habit...

So far this year, I have attending the weddings of three of my friends.  The first was one week before The Breakup, the second one day after, and the third was just about a month following the split.

At the most recent two, apparently I found myself a new modus operandi: making out with the groom's youngest sibling.

Yep, that's right: not once, but twice as a single lady, have I "befriended" the betrothed's younger brother.  I can't really say that I'm ashamed by this, but I do think that it's rather funny... and it goes hand-in-hand with the other dating pattern that has recently developed in my life... the father.

No no no, don't go getting any ideas!  I haven't gone out with any of these guys' dads.  But my friends have noticed and pointed out to me that, more often than not, when a potential suitor works up the courage to come have a chat with yours truly, his father is generally right around the corner.  Yeah.  It's awkward.  And I'm not entirely okay with it.

Just another day in my life... but seriously.  This happened twice in as many days when I was on a girls' trip to the beach recently.  Both dudes were out at the bar with their pops (and one had his mom with him, too) when they each approached me.  Now why didn't either of them go up to my friends instead of me?  I wish I knew.  I'm still trying to work out whether or not these guys were hitting on me for themselves or for their dads. And I'm not entirely sure I want to find out for sure.

That's a habit I'm a-okay with breaking.

My DC Bucket List

Oh crap!  I'm sorry you guys; I didn't realize how long it's been since I've blogged!!  (I know you have all been waiting with bated breath for my latest post).

Since I do have some things to write about, but will need to take some time to organize my thoughts, I'll throw this list out to y'all, since I know some of you have been asking for it.  I even tried to organize it for ease of reading!

I give you...

My DC Bucket List

Things to do before I leave:

• Grab a meal:
• Ben’s Chili Bowl on U Street
• Toki Underground
• Cartoon brunch at EatBar
• Try Mumbo Sauce
• Astro Doughnuts
• Krispy Kreme Factory in Alexandria
• Ollie’s Trolley
• Shake Shack
• Good Stuff Eatery
• Ted’s Bulletin
• Have a picnic
• Burke Lake Park
• National Arboretum
• Kayak on the Potomac
• Smithsonian/Monuments Day
• Portrait Gallery
• Air & Space
• American History
• Natural History
• Go to the top of the Washington Monument (if it opens before I leave)
• FDR Memorial
• National Geographic Museum
• National Building Museum
• Pentagon 9/11 Memorial
• Visit old houses
• Mt. Vernon
• Woodlawn
• Pope-Leighey House
• Hike
• Old Rag
• Billy Goat Trail/Great Falls
• Big Rock
• ·         Go to a Nats game
• ·         Go out in Adams Morgan
• Get Away
• DinosaurLand
• FoamHenge
• Go camping
• Go tubing on the river
• Visit my friend's grave at Arlington Cemetery (not a date activity)
• See a show
• Ford’s Theatre
• Kennedy Center’s Millennium Stage
• Shear Madness
• Buy something at Eastern Market
• Have a drink:
•  Oval Office/Green Room
• W Rooftop
• Zola Café
• The Tombs
• Café St. Ex
• A Bar (Avenue Suites)
• NY Avenue Beach Bar
• Teddy's Bully Bar
• ·         Paddle Boats on the Tidal Basin
• Bingo at the Springfield VFD
• Hear some Jazz on U Street

Keep in mind that this is a work in progress, and that I will be adding and (hopefully) crossing out items as I go.  If you want to join me in checking any of these off of my list before I move, please let me know!  I'd much rather share some of these experiences with close friend(s) than strangers.

What's In a Name?

Once upon a time, a friend told me that I am a Maneater.  At the time, I was a cute college co-ed who liked having a good time (not that good of a time, Mom).  Anyway, I didn't really take it to heart, being that this friend and I had a very flirtatious relationship, he had a girlfriend and I only dated 3 guys over the course of my college career (one who shares my same name~ lesson learned, ladies: Don't do it).

I was recently reminded of this little moniker, thanks in large part to a Nelly Furtado kick I was on, and it made me stop and think: has the whole dating-for-stories thing finally brought my friend's assessment to fruition?

I know that I haven't been the best about updating this blog, and for that my dear readers, I truly apologize.  But I also feel like I should extend an apology to the poor schmucks of whom I've been taking advantage lately.  And only slightly with intention, I swear.

Let me begin this by expressly stating that I've only gone out with guys who have struck my fancy in some way, shape or form.  I always offer to pay for dinner/drinks/what-have-you, and I am obliged some of the time, but mostly these guys insist on paying.  So I try, but many times, fail.

Okay, enough of that BS.  It's time to dish on some dates.

Tonsil Hockey and I went to see a movie the other night, which was pretty fun (Now You See Me- definitely recommend it!).  He's spending a week and a half at some Caribbean resort, which makes dating around him that much easier!  I feel like I might start to feel bad about this one at some point, but I'm sure he's having a great time at an all-inclusive resort surrounded by scantily clad ladies.  Takes the pressure off of me and my feelings!

I also went to a biergarten with a cutie pie.  However, I've been noticing a theme.  These guys that OKC keeps setting me up with?  All SHORT.  And I know I'm tall for a girl, but I'm still only 5'6" on a good day!  He was adorable, but young (like many of the others), so we'll see if we meet up again.

In other news, I think I broke Construction Cutie's heart, completely without meaning to.  Since he travels during the week for work, we had made tentative plans to hang on Saturday night, if I didn't end up going for a boat ride with my old neighbor (yes, the same neighbor from the cardboard boat regatta- I'm sure I'll think of a name for him soon).  It turned out that he was busy during the day, so that gave me carte blanche to go on the boat ride before meeting up for another date with Construction Cutie.  I was excited: my first time juggling multiple dates in one day!

Soooo as it turns out, the 5 of us on the boat ride lost track of time, so we didn't end up making it back to the dock until about 7, which apparently was too late for CC to have dinner.  I felt (feel?) bad about it, especially since we had such a fun time on Sunday, but he hasn't texted me back.  Can't say I blame him.

I ended up going to a house party with Neighbro and the other guys from the boat.  Nothing physical has happened, but I did overhear him talking to his friends about yours truly throughout the day... I think I'm going to have to tread lightly with this one.  I've known him for years, and he's one of my brother's friends.  For now, I'm intrigued, and am eagerly anticipating seeing him again within the next week.  It's just weird.  We grew up together.

So there's the not-so-quick update!  I know it wasn't terribly juicy, and probably got a little weird there towards the beginning, but I'm glad that I got that off my chest.  I really don't want to "use" anybody, and I'm trying my hardest to walk that walk.

Cheers,

The Maneater

Ask and You Shall Receive

So apparently, all I had to do was whine and the Dating Gods answered my prayers.

Yes, it happened.  I finally made out with an OKC date.

However, we’ll get to that later… I’d like to do a nice little round-up of the dates that I’ve been on so far, since I’ve gotten a little bit lazy… sorry!

So I’ve told you guys about the first “date” that I went on, aka the Non-Date.  Since then, I’ve been out with several fine young men (and a few not-so-fine men as well).  Here are some highlights:

• First “Real” Date:  Date and I met up for tapas at a wine bar.  Neither of us had been before, but the nameof the place alludes to the fact that they specialize in grape-based alcohol (I was pretty excited).  Mind you, I didn't suggest this place; he did.  Right before we go to order some beverages, Date drops this bomb: he doesn’t drink alcohol.  That’s cool, I get it.  BUT WHY INVITE ME TO A WINE BAR?  I felt like a pilgrim on the Santa Maria: “Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink.”  Needless to say, we haven’t been back out together.  Also, I swear I’m not a lush.
• The next day, I went out on another date.  This guy seemed like a pretty good match: great conversation, super-cute, well-educated, somewhat outdoorsy.  The catch?  He doesn’t wear sweatpants.  Doesn’t even own a pair.  What is that?  Show yourself to the door, sir.

The next few dates went by in a bit of a blur.  There was the old-friend-with-new-promise (haven’t seen him since), the child (Stage 4 Clinger), the dude who didn’t look a thing like his pictures (Next!), and the recently single former neighbor (seriously, what was I thinking?).  Scattered in there have been a couple of decent guys… I suppose this is the point where I should discuss them…

I’ve been out with one guy 4 times now.  Yes, you read that correctly: Four. Quatre. Quattro.  Vier.  Fa.  Cuatro.  [insert other languages here].  He finally made a move on me after we split a bottle of vino at a local winery.  I had kind of forgotten how much fun making out can be, you guys.  Isn’t that sad?  Anyway, I feel confident enough that I’ll be seeing him again to give him a moniker.  From here on out, he shall be referred to as Tonsil Hockey, given his propensity for kissin’ and actually playing ice hockey.  Fitting, eh?

The other promising date happened the day after Make Out Day.  Date took me to brunch at a restaurant that specializes in everything pig.  Words cannot describe how much I loved this meal.  Hog Heaven comes close ;)  Anyway, after we pigged out (sorry, I just can’t help myself!), we went on an “Urban Hike” (Date’s words, not mine) through downtown and ended up at a park, watching planes at National take off overhead.  On the way, we managed to check off one of the activities on my list: we went paddle-boating in the TidalBasin! I was pretty excited, in case you couldn’t tell.

This Date (we shall call him the Construction Cutie) works as a foreman-type of dude from what I can tell, and is out of town on a regular basis (perfect, since he won’t know/care that I’m out with other guys on the weeknights!).  I’m pretty sure we’ll be seeing more of each other.  Even though: no post-date kissin’.  Oh well, there’s always next time!

For Better or For Worse

A fabulous woman who I know gives all of the young ladies in her life one piece of advice:

"Kiss 'em all, girls, kiss 'em all!"

That resonated with me, even when I was 5 and hearing it for the first time (mind you, I didn't have my first kiss until I was a sophomore in high school).  Anyway, I enjoy those words of wisdom and have taken them to heart: I don't put too much stake into any one kiss, or boy, that I come across, 'cause there will be plenty more coming down the line (I hope..!).

Now it's time for a quick confession...

For the past two and a half weeks, I've been going out on dates (8 dates with 7 guys- that's right, I've had a repeat!).  Now I know that this experience is less about finding romance and more about having a good time and meeting people (at least on my end...), but in that whole time, I haven't been kissed.

8 DATES, PEOPLE.

Not even a hand-hold or anything.  I mean, c'mon, am I off my game or something?  Granted, most of these guys I probably wouldn't have wanted to make out with anyway, so it's not that bad, but still.  Not even an attempt at a peck.  What's with these guys??  Guess I'll just have to be a little more forward in the future.

Anyway, minor flip-out over.  I'll update with a quick recap of the dates in a little while, promise!!

-A

Just My Luck: My First OKCupid Date

Here's the story of my first OKCupid date:

So on Sunday the 19th of May, I got home from work (I’ve been working nights and weekends), opened up my OKC account and saw a message from a guy asking if I wanted to see a band play that evening.  It was at a venue I’ve never been to, but is pretty close to my house, plus a band I’d never heard of, but I figured why not?  This is why I joined the site, why I’m doing the blog.  At the very least, even if it’s a terrible date, at least it’ll be a decent story!

I accepted this fine young gentleman’s invitation after a bit of back-and-forth, and actually got a little excited: this is my FIRST OKC DATE.  And I’d be getting out of the house on a night when I’d otherwise be staying in: Double Win.

Once I got to the bar and paid for the ticket ($10 with the promise of a free beer from Date), I ordered a drink and looked around for single guys who looked like Date’s profile picture.  When I couldn’t locate him, I sent him a message.  Turns out, he was already there.

And this, my dear friends, is where things got weird.

He wasn’t alone.

That’s right; Date had a friend with him.  Okay, that’s cool, maybe he’s just really into this band and his buddy is, too.  We started talking, and it turns out that my date lives in Los Angeles and is in town; his buddy lives here with his wife and so they met up for the night.  Alright, I get it, that’s pretty cool.  We get to (all three of us) talking, and we’re enjoying one another’s company while the first band performs.  We all get another beer and things are going great, even if there is a chance that I’m the third wheel for what was a guys’ night out.

Once the first band’s set is over, Date says he’ll see us in a few.  Wait, what?

He was in the band!!!!

Apparently, my first OKC date?  Not actually a date.  This guy just wanted people to pay to see his band play while they’re on tour.  Really?  REALLY?

Perhaps the best thing to come out of this experience was that Date’s band was pretty decent.  I’ll probably listen to them again, and if they come back through on tour, I’d definitely go see them play.  Assuming that he hits me up on OKC again to let me know.

Allow myself to introduce...myself.

If you aren't interested in reading about a single girl’s dating exploits in and around Washington, DC, you should probably not be here.  I’m not guaranteeing greatness, but I am hoping for some great stories to come out of this brand-new-to-me online dating scene.

You see, I’m on OKCupid now.  This is a fairly recent development, stemming out of a drunken night with a girlfriend a few months back.  She and I have a mutual friend who is using the dating service to hook up with girls left and right, and we thought that creating a fake account to mess with him was a fabulous idea.  Unfortunately for us, our beer goggles prevented us from seeing the “Search” bar on the website, so instead, we just answered all of the questions with the always-incredible answer of “MARIOKART 64.”  (Yes, all-caps).  So that’s how I came to become part of the vast, odd, slightly creepy universe that is online dating.

But here’s the thing: dudes messaged me back.  Umm, hello guys, can you not tell that this is a dummy account?  Even my profile picture was me dressed up as Luigi from Halloween a couple of years ago.  Couldn’t even see my face.  But there I was, getting notes left and right from guys who were challenging me to MarioKart tournaments.  For their sakes, I didn’t take them up on it, because I’d just kick their asses (and really, I didn’t want to go out with anyone who was stupid enough to think I was actually taking the account seriously- not trying to end up in a ditch somewhere, wrists bound together with a controller cord).

Anyway, I disabled the account after about 24 hours and 15 messages.  I also started seeing someone.  After that ended about 3 weeks ago, I figured what the hell, I’m moving in the fall, tons of my friends are out of the area already; might as well meet some new guys and hopefully gain some new friends and stories.  Stories that I’m planning to catalogue right here!  I then opened my account back up and started revamping some of my profile (MK64 is still on there, don’t worry) and answering some of their questions honestly.  This led to OKC telling me that I’m “more adventurous” and “less kind” most of the girls on the site.  Umm yeah, next time surprise me, OKC.

So there’s that part of this adventure.  I’ve got a lot of places to see and things to do before I leave the DC area, and I fully intend to rope some online dating guys into experiencing them with me.

Suckers.